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Little crude staircases lead up to doors heavily chainqd and im- mensely padlocked. More like ladders than stairs. Curious hewn windows, smaller in proportion than the slits in a doll's house. Are these faces behind the slits? The doors bulge in- cessantly under the shock of bodies hurled against them from within. The whole dirty nouveau business about to crimible. Glance one. Glanca two: directly before me. A wall with many bars fixed across one miinute opening. At the opening a dozen, fifteen, grins. Upon the bars hands, scraggy and bluishly white. Through the bars stretching of lean arms, incessant stretchings.

The grins leap at the window, hands belonging to them catch hold, arms belonging to the hands stretch in my direction In the huge potpourri of misery a central figure clung, shaken but undislodged. Clung like a monkey to central bars. Clung like an angel to a harp. Calling pleasantly in a high boyish voice : "O Jack, give me a cigarette. I waded suddenly through a group of gendarmes they stood around me watching with a disagreeable curiosity my reaction to this.

Strode fiercely to the window. En Route 37 Trillions of hands. Quadrillions of itching fingers. The angel-monkey received the package of cigarettes po- litely, disappearing with it into howling darkness. I heard his high boy's voice distributing cigarettes. Evidently the head of the house speak- ing. I obeyed. A corpulent soldier importantly lead me to my cell. My cell is two doors away from the monkey-angel, on the same side.

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The high boy-voice, centralized in a torrent- like halo of stretchings, followed my back. The head himself unlocked a lock. I marched coldly in. The fat soldier locked and chained my door. Four feet went away. I felt in my pocket, finding four cigarettes. I am sorry I did not give these also to the monkey — to the angel. Lifted my eyes and saw my own harp. On my right was an old wall overwhelmed with moss. A few growths stemmed from its crevices. Their leaves were of a refreshing color.

I felt singularly happy, and carefully throwing myself on the bare planks sang one after another all the French songs which I had picked up in my stay at the am- bulance; sang La Madelon, sang AVec avEC DU, and Les Galiots Sont Lourds Dans Sac — concluding with an inspired rendering of La Marseillaise, at which the guard who had several times stopped his round in what I choose to interpret as astonishment grounded arms and swore appreciatively. Various officials of the jail passed by me and my lusty songs ; I cared no whit.

Two or three conferred, pointing in my di- rection, and I sang a little louder for the benefit of their per- plexity. Finally out of voice I stopped. It was twilight. As I lay on my back luxuriously I saw through the bars of my twice padlocked door a boy and a girl about ten years old. I saw them climb on the wall and play together, obliviously and exquisitely, in the darkening air.

I watched them for many minutes ; till the last moment of light failed ; till they and the wall itself dissolved in a common mystery, leaving only the bored silhouette of the soldier moving imperceptibly and wearily against a still more gloomy piece of autumn sky. At last I knew that I was very thirsty ; and leaping up began 38 A Pilgrim's Progress 39 to clamor at my bars. One of these gentry watched the water and me, while the other wrestled with the padlock. The door being minutely opened, one guard and the water pain- fully entered.

The other guard remained at the door, gun in readiness. Immediately he began to deliver a sharp lecture on the probability of my using the tin cup to saw my way out; and commended haste in no doubtful terms. I smiled, asked par- don for my inherent stupidity which speech seemed to anger him and guzzled the so-called water without looking at it, having learned something from Noyon.

With a long and dan- gerous look at their prisoner, the gentlemen of the guard with- drew, using inconceivable caution in the relocking of the door. I laughed and fell asleep. After as I judged four minutes of slumber, I was awak- ened by at least six men standing over me. The darkness was intense, it was extraordinarily cold. I glared at them and tried to understand what new crime I had committed.

One of the six was repeating: "Get up, you are going away. Four o'clock. They formed a circle around me; and together we marched a few steps to a sort of storeroom, where my great sac, small sac, and overcoat were handed to me. A rather agreeably voiced guard then handed me a half -cake of chocolate, saying but with a toler- able grimness : "You'll need it, believe me. Two new guards — or rather gendarmes — were now officially put in charge of my person ; and the three of us passed down the lane, much to the 40 The Enormous Room interest of the sentinel, to whom I bade a vivid and unreturned adieu.

I can see him perfectly as he stares stupidly at us, a queer shape in the gloom, before turning on his heel. Toward the very station whereat some hours since I had disembarked with the Belgian deserter and my former escorts, we moved. I was stiff with cold and only half awake, but pe- culiarly thrilled. The gendarmes on either side moved grimly, without speaking ; or returning monosyllables to my few ques- tions. Yes, we were to take the train. I was going some- where, then? Thq yellow flares of lamps, huge and formless in the night mist, some figures moving to and fro on a little platform, a rustle of conversation: everything seemed ridicu- lously suppressed, beautifully abnormal, deliciously insane.

Every figure was wrapped with its individual ghostliness; a number of ghosts each out on his own promenade, yet each for some reason selecting this unearthly patch of the world, this putrescent and uneasy gloom. Even my guards talked in whispers. I leaned dizzily against the wall nearest me having plumped down my baggage and stared, into the dark- ness at my elbow, filled with talking shadows.

I know his sister. By threes and fives they assaulted the goblin who wailed and shook his with- ered fist in their faces. There was no train. It had been taken away by the French Government. Of course you'll all of you be deserters, but is it my fault? The drunk was accordingly escorted into the dark, his friends- abrupt steps correcting his own large slovenly procedure out of earshot. Some of the Black People sat down near me and smoked. Their enormous faces, wads of vital dark- ness, swoorted with fatigue.

Their vast gentle hands lay noisily about their knees. The departed gendarme returned, with a bump, out of the mist. The train for Paris would arrive de suite. We were just in time, our movement had so far been very creditable. All was well. It was cold, eh? Then with the ghastly miniature roar of an insane toy the train for Paris came fumbling into the station. We boarded it, due caution being taken that I should not escape. As a matter of fact I held up thei would-be passen- gers for nearly a minute by my unaided attempts to boost my uncouth baggage aboard.

Then my captors and I blundered heavily into a compartment in which an Englishman and two French women were seated. My gendarmes established them- selves on either side of the door, a process which woke up the Anglo-Saxon and caused a brief gap in the low talk of the women. Jolt — we were off. I find myself with a frangaise on my left and an anglais on my right. The latter has already uncomprehendingly subsided into sleep. The former a woman of about thirty is talking 42 The Enormous Room pleasantly to her friend, whom I face.

She must have been very pretty before she put on the black. Her friend is also a veuve. How pleasantly they talk, of la guerre, of Paris, of the bad service; talk in agreeably modulated voices, leaning a little forward to each other, not wishing to disturb the dolt at my right. The train tears slowly on. Both the gendarmes are asleep, one with his hand automatically grasping the handle of the door.

Lest I escape. I try all sorts of positions, for I find myself very tired. The best is to put my cane between my legs and rest my chin on it; but even that is uncomfortable, for the Englishman has writhed all over me by this time and is snoring creditably. I look him over ; an Etonian, as I guess. Certain well-bred- well- fedness. The women are speaking softly. My sister wrote me. It is light outside. One sees the world. There is a world still, the gouvernement francais has not taken it away, and the air must be beautifully cool.

In the compartment it is hot. The gendarmes smell worst. I know how I smell. What polite women. Lest I should think they had dozed off. It is Paris. Some permissionaires cried "Paris. Paris, where one forgets, Paris, which is Pleasure, Paris, in whom our souls live, Paris, the beautiful, Paris at last. Englishman woke up and said heavily to me: "I say, where are we? It was Paris. A Pilgrim's Progress 43 My guards hurried me through the station.

One of them I saw for the first time was older than the other, and rather handsome with his Van Dyck blackness of curly beard. He said that it was too early for the metro, it was closed. We should take a car. It would bring us to the other station from which our next train left. We should hurry. We emerged from the station and its crowds of crazy men. We boarded a car marked something. The conductress, a strong, pink- cheeked, rather beautiful girl in black, pulled my baggage in for me with a gesture which filled all of me with joy.

I thanked her, and she smiled at me. The car moved along through the morning. We descended from it. We started off on foot. The car was not the right car. We would have to walk to the station. I was faint and almost dead from weariness and I stopped when my overcoat had fallen from my benumbed arm for the second time: "How far is it? I stopped dead, and said : "I can't go any farther. Moreover, I was past elucidation. The oldcir stroked his beard. In that case we will not walk to the Gare, we will in fact ride. Several empty cabs had gone by during the peroration of the law, and no more seemed to offer themselves.

After some minutes, however, one appeared and was duly hailed. Nerv- ously he was shy in the big city the older asked if the driver knew where the Gare was. And when he was told — "Of course, I know, why not? So we drove through the streets in the freshness of the full morning, the streets full of few divine people who stared at me and nudged one another, the streets of Paris.

We arrived at the Gare, and I recognized it vaguely. Was it D'Orleans? We dismounted, and the tremendous transac- tion of the fare was apparently very creditably accomplished by the older. Gradually my vision gained in focus. The station has a good many people in it. The number increases momently. A great many are girls. I am in a new world — a world of chic femi- ninty. My eyes devour the inimitable details of costume, the inexpressible nuances of pose, the indescribable demarche of the midinette.

They hold themselves differently. They have even a little bold color here and there on skirt or blouse or hat. They are not talking about La Guerre. They appear very beautiful, these Parisiennes. And simultaneously with my appreciation of the crisp per- sons about me comes the hitherto unacknowledged appreciation of my uncouthness. My chin tells my hand of a good quarter inch of beard, every hair of it stiff with dirt I can feel the dirt-pools under my eyes.

My hands are rough with dirt. My uniform is smeared and creased in a hundred thousand direc- tions. My puttees and shoes are prehistoric in appearance. My first request was permission to visit the vespasienne. The younger didn't wish to assume any unnecessary responsi- bilities; I should wait till the older returned.

There he was now. I might ask him. The older benignly granted my peti- A Pilgrim's Progress 45 tion, nodding significantly to his fellow-guard, by whom I was accordingly escorted to my destination and subsequently back to my bench. When we got back the gendarmes held a con- sultation of terrific importance; in substance, the train which should be leaving at that moment six something did not run to-day.

Then the older surveyed me and said almost kindly: "How would you like a cup of cof- fee? Of all the drinks I ever drank, hers was the most sa- credly delicious. She wore, I remember, a tight black dress in which enormous and benignant breasts bulged and sank con- tinuously. I lingered over my tiny cup, watching her swift big hands, her round nodding face, her large sudden smile.

I drank two cofEees, and insisted that my money should pay for our drinks. Of all the treating which I shall ever do, the treating of my captor will stand unique in pleasure. Even he half appreciated the sense of humor involved ; though his dig- nity did not permit a visible acknowledgment thereof. I Madame la iimdeuse de cafe, I shall remember you for more than a little while] Having thusTtmsumimated breakfast, my guardian suggested a walk. I felt I had the strength of ten because the coffee was pure. Moreover it would be a novelty to me prom- ener sans odd pounds of baggage.

We set out. As we walked easily and leisurely thei by this time well peo- pled streets of the vicinity, my guard indulged himself in pleasant conversation. Did I know Paris much? He knew it all. But he had not been in Paris for several eight was it? It was a fine place, a large city to be sure. But always changing. I had spent a month in Paris while waiting for my 46 The Enormous Room uniform and my assignment to a section sanitairef.

And my friend was with me? A perfectly typical runt of a Paris bull eyed us. The older saluted him with infinite respect, the respect of a shabby rube deiacon for a well-dressed burglar. They exchanged a few well-chosen words, in French of course. The latter contented himself with "Ha-aaa" — plus a look at me which was meant to wipe me off the earth's face I pretended to be studying the morning mean- while. Then we moved on, followed by ferocious stares from the Paris bull. Evidently I was getting to be more of a crim- inal every minute; I should probably be shot to-morrow, not as I had assumed erroneously the day after.

I should make a great speech in Midi French. They would ask me when I preferred to die. I should reply, "Pardon me, you wish to ask me when I prefer to become immortal? It's all the same to me, because there isn't any more time — the French Government forbids it. He would have been more astonished had I yielded to the well-nigh irre- pressible inclination, which at the moment suffused me, to clap him heartily upon the back.

Everything was blague. The driver, the cafe, the police, the morning, and least and last the excellent French Government. We had walked for a half hour or more. My guide and pro- tector now inquired of a workingman thej location of the boucheriesf "There is one right in front of you," he was told. Sure enough, not a block away. I laughed again. It was eight years all right. The older bought a great many things in the next five minutes : sausage, cheese, bread, chocolate, pinard rouge. A A Pilgrim's Progress 47 bourgeoise with an unagreeable face and suspicion of me written in headlines all over her mouth served us with quick hard laconicisms of movement.

I hated her and consequently refused my captor's advice to buy a little of everything on the ground that it would be a long time till the next meal , contenting myself with a cake of chocolate — rather bad choco- late, but nothing to what I was due to eat during the next three months. Then we retraced our steps, arriving at the station after several mistakes and inquiries to find the younger faithfully keeping guard over my two sacs and overcoat.

The older and I sat down, and the younger took his turn at promenading. I got up to buy a Fantasio at the stand ten steps away, and the older jumped up and escorted me to and from it. I think I asked him what he would read? So we waited, eyed by everyone in the Gare, laughed at by the officers and their mar- raines, pointed at by sinewy dames and decrepit bonhommes — the centre of amusement for the whole station.

In spite of my reading I felt distinctly uncomfortable. Would it never be Twelve? Here comes the younger, neat as a pin, looking fairly sterilized. He sits down on my left. Watches are os- tentatiously consulted. It is time. En avant, I sling myself under my bags. Curling the tips of his mustachios, he replied "Mah-say. I was happy once more. I had always wanted to go to that great port of the Mediterranean, where one has new colors and strange customs, and where the people sing when they talk.

But how extraordinary to have come to Paris — and what a trip lay before us. I was much muddled about the whole thing. Probably I was to be deported. But why from Marseilles? Where was Marseilles anyway? I was probably all wrong about its location. Who cared, after all? At least we were leaving the pointings and the sneers and the half -suppressed titters.

Two fat and respectable bonhommes, the two gendarmes, and I, made up one compartment The former talked an 48 The Enormous Room animated stream, the guards and I were on the whole silent.

Here’s What All of Those Popular Slang Words Really Mean

I watched the liquidating landscape and dozed happily. The gendarmes dozed, one at each door. The train rushed lazily across the earth, between farmhouses, into fields, along woods I was awakened by a noise of eating. My protectors, knife in hand, were consuming their meat and bread, occasionally tilting their hifions on high and absorbing the thin streams which spurted therefrom. I tried a little chocolat. The hon- hommes were already busy with their repast. The older gen- darme watched me chewing away at the chocolate, then com- manded, "Take some bread.

I gazed mutely at him, wondering whether the gouvernement frangais had made away with his wits. I seized the offered hunk, and chewed vigorously on it. Bread was bread. The older ap- peared pleased with my appetite ; his face softened still more, as he remarked : "Bread without wine doesn't taste good," and proffered his bidon. I drank as much as I dared, and thanked him : "fa va wieux. The train stopped ; and the younger sprang out, carrying the empty canteens of him- self and his comrade. When they and he returned, I enjoyed another cup.

From that moment till we reached our destina- tion at about eight o'clock the older and I got on extraordi- narily well. When the gentlemen descended at their station he waxed almost familiar. I was in excellent spirits; rather drunk; extremely tired. Now that the two guardians and myself were alone in the compartment, the curiosity which had hitherto been stifled by etiquette and pride of capture came rapidly to light.

Why was I here, anyway? I seemed d A Pilgrim's Progress 49 well enough to them. The older in particular was immensely relieved. The French government didn't keep people like me in prison. I think I told the younger that the average height of buildings in America was nine hundred metres. He stared and shook his head doubtfully, but I convinced him in the end. Then in my turn I asked questions, the first being : Where was my friend? They had been told that he was very dangerous. I spoke very well.

Was it hard to learn English? Finally watches were consulted, tunics buttoned, hats donned. I was told in a gruff voice to prepare myself ; that we were ap- proaching the end of our journey. Looking at the erstwhile participants in conversation, I scarcely knew them. They had put on with their caps a positive ferocity of bearing. I began to think that I had dreamed the incidents of the preceding hours. We descended at a minute, dirty station which possessed the air of having been dropped by mistake from the bung of the gouvernement frangais.

The older sought out the station master, who having nothing to do was taking a siesta in a miniature waiting-room. The general countenance of the place was exceedingly depressing; but I attempted to keep up my spirits with the reflection that after all all this was but a junction, and that from here we were to take a train for Marseilles herself.

And now the older returned with the news that our train wasn't running today, and that the next train didn't arrive till early morning and should we walk to Marseilles? I could check my great sac and overcoat.

Here’s What All of Those Popular Slang Words Really Mean

The small sac I should carry along — it was only a step, after all. With a glance at the desolation of Briouse I agreed to the stroll. It was a fine night for a little promenade; not too cool, and with a promise of a moon stuck into the sky. The sac and coat were accordingly checked by the older ; the station- master glanced at me and haughtily grunted having learned that I was an American ; and my protectors and I set out. I insisted that we stop at the first cafe and have some wine on me.

To this my escorts agreed, making me go ten paces ahead of them, and waiting until I was through before stepping up to the bar — not from politeness, to be sure, but because as I soon gathered gendarmes were not any too popular in this part of the world, and the sight of two gendarmes with a jprisoner might inspire the habitues to attempt a rescue. The highroad won, all of us relaxed considerably. The si full of suspicious letters which I bore on my shoulder was not so light as I had thought, but the kick of the Briouse pinard thrust me forward at a good clip. The road was absolutely deserted; the night hung loosely around it, here and there tattered by attempting moonbeams.

I was some- what sorry to find the way hilly, and in places bad underfoot ; yet the unknown adventure lying before me, and the delicious silence of the night in which our words rattled queerly like tin soldiers in a plush-lined box boosted me into a condition of mysterious happiness. We talked, the older and I, of strange A Pilgrim's Progress 5 1 subjects. As I suspected, he had been not always a gendarme.

He had seen service among the Arabs. He had always Hked languages and had picked up Arabian with great ease — of this he was very proud. For instance — the Arabian way of saying "Give me to eat" was this ; when you wanted wine you said so and so; "Nice day" was something else. He thought I could pick it up inasmuch as I had done so creditably with French. He was absolutely certain that English was much easier to learn than French, and would not be moved.

Now what was the American language like? I explained that it was a sort of Argot-English. When I gave him some phrases he was astonished — "It sounds like English! I tried hard to get his intonation of the Arabian, and he helped me on the difficult sounds. America must be a strange place, he thought. After two hours walking he called a halt, bidding us rest. We all lay flat on the grass by the roadside. The moon was ' still battling with clouds. The darkness of the fields on either side was total. I crawled on hands and knees to the sound of silver-trickling water and found a little spring-fed stream.

Prone, weight on elbows, I drank heavily of its perfect black- ness. It was icy, talkative, minutely alive. The older presently gave a perfunctory "dors" ; we got up; I hoisted my suspicious utterances upon my shoulder, which recognized the renewal of hostilities with a neuralgic throb. I banged forward with bigger and bigger feet.

A bird, scared, swooped almost into my face. Occasionally some night-noise pricked a futile, minute hole in the enormous curtain of soggy darkness. Uphill now. Every muscle thoroughly aching, head spinning, I half -straightened my no longer obedient body; and jumped : face to face with a little wooden man hanging all by itself in a grove of low trees. About its stunted loins clung a ponderous and jocular fragment of 52 The Enormous Room drapery.

On one terribly brittle shoulder the droll lump of its neckless head ridiculously lived. There was in this complete silent doll a gruesome truth of instinct, a success of uncanny poignancy, an unearthly ferocity of rectangular emotion. For perhaps a minute the almost obliterated face and mine eyed one another in the silence of intolerable autumn. Who was this wooden man? Like a sharp black mechanical cry in the spongy organism of gloom stood the coarse and sud- den sculpture of his torment ; the big mouth of night carefully spurted the angular actual language of his martyred body.

I had seen him before in the dream of some mediaeval saint, with a thief sagging at either side, surrounded with crisp angels. Tonight he was alone ; save for myself, and the moon's minute flower pushing between slabs of fractured cloud. I was wrong, the moon and I and he were not alone. A glance up the road gave me two silhouettes at pause. The gendarmes were waiting. I must hurry to catch up or incur suspicions by my sloth. I hastened forward, with a last look over my shoulder. When I came abreast of them, expecting abuse, I was sur- prised by the older's saying quietly "We haven't far to go," and plunging forward imperturbably into the night.

Nor had we gone a half hour before several dark squat forms confronted us: houses. I decided that I did not like houses — particularly as now my guardian's manner abruptly changed; once more tunics were buttoned, holsters adjusted, and myself directed to walk between and keep always up with the others.

Now the road became thoroughly afflicted with houses, houses not, however, so large and lively as I had ex- pected from my dreams of Marseilles. Indeed we seemed to be entering an extremely small and rather disagreeable town. I ventured to ask what its name was. By this I was fairly puzzled. I merely felt the town as a unique unreality. What was it? I knew — the moon's picture of a town. These streets with their houses did not exist, they were but a ludicrous projection of the moon's sumptuous personality. This was a city of Pretend, created by the hypnotism of moon- night. If I blew hard the whole shy mechanism, would collapse gently with a neat soundless crash.

I must not, or lose all. We turned a corner, then another. My guides conferred concerning the location of something, I couldn't make out what. Then the older nodded in the direction of a long dull dirty mass not a hundred yards away, which as near as I could see served either as a church or a tomb. Toward this we turned. All too soon I made out its entirely dismal ex- terior. Grey long stone walls, surrounded on the street side by a fence of ample proportions and uniformly dull colour. Now I perceived that we made toward a gate, singularly nar- row and forbidding, in the grey long wall.

No living soul ap- peared to inhabit this desolation. The older rang at the gate. A gendarme with a revolver answered his ring ; and presently he was admitted, leaving the younger and myself to wait. And now I began to realize that this was the gendarmerie of the town, into which for safe- keeping I was presently to be inducted for the night. I followed my guides down a corridor, up a stair-case, and into a dark, small room where a candle was burning.

His face was seedy sallow and long. He had bushy semi-circular eyebrows which drooped so much as to reduce his eyes to mere blinking slits. His cheeks were so furrowed that they leaned inward. He had no nose, properly speaking, but a large beak of pre- posterous widthlessness, which gave his whole face the ex- pression of falling gravely down-stairs, and quite obliterated the unimportant chin. His mouth was made of two long un- certain lips which twitched nervously. His cropped black hair was rumpled ; his blouse, from which hung a croix de guerre, unbuttoned; and his unputteed shanks culminated in bed- slippers.

In physique he reminded me a little of Ichabqd Crane. His neck was exactly like a hen's: I felt sure that when he drank he must tilt his head back as hens do in order that the liquid may run their throats. But his method of keep- ing himself upright, together with certain spasmodic contrac- tions of his fingers and the nervous "uh-ah, uh-ah" which punctuated his insecure phrases like uncertain commas, com- bined to offer the suggestion of a rooster; a rather moth-eaten rooster, which took itself tremendously seriously and was showing-off to an imaginary group of admiring hens situated somewhere in the background of his consciousness.

Behind this seedy and restless personage I noted his abso- lute likeness, adorning one of the walls. The rooster was faithfully depicted a la Rembrandt at half length in the stir- ring guise of a fencer, foil in hand, and wearing enormous gloves. The execution of this masterpiece left something to be desired ; but the whole betokened a certain spirit and verve, on the part of the sitter, which I found difficulty in attributing to the being before me.

Then I realized the abs urdit y of the situation, and laughed. N'en sais rien" — "What sort of person was your friend? I said I had checked a large sac and my fur overcoat at Briouse, and he assured me they would be sent on by train. He now dismissed the gendarmes, who had been listening curiously to the examination. As I was conducted from the bureau I asked him point-blank: "How long am I to stay here? We marched out.

Behind me the bedsHppered rooster uhahingly shuffled. In front of me clumsily gamboled the huge imitation of myself. It descended the terribly worn stairs. It turned to the right and disappeared. We were standing in a chapel. The shrinking light which my guide held had become sud- denly minute; it was beating, senseless and futile, with shrill fists upon a thick enormous moisture of gloom. To the left and right through lean oblongs of stained glass burst dirty burglars of moonlight.

The clammy stupid distance uttered dimly an uncanny conflict — the mutterless tumbling of brutish shadows. A crowding ooze battled with my lungs. My nostrils fought against the monstrous atmospheric slime which hugged a sweet unpleasant odour. Staring ahead, I gradually disinterred the pale carrion of the darkness — an altar, guarded with the ugliness of unlit candles, on which stood inexorably the efficient implements for eating God.

I was to be confessed, then, of my guilty conscience, before retiring? It boded well for the morrow. He was bending over a formless mass in one corner of the room. The ntass stretched half-way to the ceiling. It was made of mattress-shapes. I pulled at once — burlap, stuffed with prickly straw. I got it on my shoulder. I was somewhat pleased to leave the place. Back, down a corridor, up more stairs; and we are con- fronted by a small scarred pair of doors from which hung two of the largest padlocks I had ever seen.

Being unable to go further, I stopped : he produced a huge ring of keys. Fumbled with the locks. Into the square blackness I staggered with my paillasse. There was no way of judging the size of the dark room which J A Pilgrim's Progress 57 uttered no sound. In front of me was a pillar. Fully dressed, I fell on my paillasse with a weariness which I have never felt before or since. But I did not close my eyes : for all about me there rose a sea of most extraordinary sound. From all directions, by at least thirty voices in eleven languages I counted as I lay Dutch, Belgian, Spanish, Turkish, Arabian, Polish, Russian, Swedish, Ger- man, French — and English at distances varying from seventy feet to a few inches, for twenty minutes I was ferociously bombarded.

Nor was my perplexity purely aural. About five minutes after lying down, I saw by a hitherto unnoticed speck of light which burned near the doors which I had entered two extraordinary looking figures — one a well-set man with a big, black beard, the other a consumptive with a bald head and sickly mustache, both clad only in their knee-length chemises, hairy legs naked, feet bare — wander down the room and urinate profusely in the corner nearest me.

Sprawled half on and half off my paillasse, I looked suddenly up into a juvenile pimply face with a red tassel bobbing in its eyes. A boy in a Belgian uniform was stooping over me. In one hand a huge pail a third full of liquid slime. I decided I had gone completely crazy. The cup had been deposited near me. Not daring to ap- proach it, I boosted my aching corpse on one of its futile elbows and gazed blankly around.

My eyes, wading labor- iously through a dark atmosphere, a darkness gruesomely tactile, percevied only here and there lively patches of vibrat- ing humanity. Trembling with this chaos, my hand sought the cup. The taste was dull, almost bitter, clinging, thick, nauseating.

I 'dS:lde31Rat it would be useless to vomit. I sat up. I looked around. The darkness was rapidly going out of the sluggish stinking air. I was sitting on my mattress at one end of a sort of room, filled with pillars; ecclesiastical in feeling. I already per- ceived it to be of enormous length. My mattress resembled an island : all around it on the floor at distances varying from a quarter of an inch to ten feet which constituted the limit of distinct vision reposed startling identities.

There was blood in some of them. Others consisted of a rind of blueish matter sustaining a core of yellowish froth. From behind me a chunk of hurtling spittle joined its fellows. I decided to stand up. It rushed a little way in my direction crying hoarsely "Corvee d'eaul" — stopped, bent down at what I perceived to be a paillasse like mine, jerked what was presumably the oc- cupant by the feet, shook him, turned to the next, and so on up to six. As there seemed to be innumerable paillasses, laid side by side at intervals of perhaps a foot with their heads to the wall on three sides of me, I was wondering why the vulture had stopped at six.

On each mattress a crude imitation of humanity, wrapped ear-high in its blanket, lay and drank from a cup like mine and spat long and high into the room. The ponderous reek of sleepy bodies undulated toward me from three directions. I had lost sight of the vulture in a kind of insane confusion which arose from the further end of the room. It was as if he had touched off six high explosives. Occasional pauses in the minutely crazy din were accurately punctuated by exploding bowels; to the great amusement of innumerable somebodies, whose precise whereabouts the gloom carefully guarded.

I noticed beside every pillar in- cluding the one beside which I had innocently thrown down my mattress the night before a goodsized pail, overflowing with urine, and surrounded by a large irregular puddle. My mattress was within an inch of the nearest puddle. What I took to be a man, an amazing distance off, got out of bed and succeeded in locating the pail nearest to him after several attempts. Ten invisible recumbents yelled at him in six languages. All at once a handsome figure rose from the gloom at my elbow.

I smiled stupidly into his clear hardish eyes. And he remarked pleasantly : "Your friend's here, Johnny, and wants to see you. H "Hello, Cummmgs,'' he said smiling. There was nothing par- ticularly insane about him, unless it was his enthusiastic ex- citement, which might almost be attributed to my jack-in-the- box manner of arriving.

He said : "There are people here who speak English, Russian, Arabian. There are the finest people here! Did you go to Gre? I fought rats all night there. Huge ones. They tried to eat me. And from Gre to Paris? I had three gendarmes all the way to keep me from escaping, and they all fell asleep. I no sooner got Le Nouveau 6i inside than a queer looking duck whom I took to be a nut came rushing up to me and cried: 'Too late for soup! Only two or three of them can speak a word of French, and that's soupe! It's a little mean town, where every- body snickers and sneers at you if they see you're a prisoner.

They did at me. And in to stay. Everytime I think of the section sanitaire, and A and his thugs, and the whole rotten red-taped Croix Rouge, I have to laugh. Cummings, I tell you this is the finest place on earth! The doughy face. Imitation-Eng- lish-ofificer swagger. Large calves, squeaking puttees.

The daily lecture: "I doughno what's th'matter with you fellers. You look like nice boys. But you're so dirty in your habits. You boys are always kickin' because I don't put you on a car together. I'm ashamed to do it, that's why. I doughtwanta give this section a black eye. We gotta show these lousy Frenchmen what Americans are.

We gotta show we're superior to 'em. Those bastards doughno what a bath means. How d'you boys expect me to give you a chance? I'd like to put you fellers on a car, I wanta see you boys happy. But I don't dare to, that's why. If you want me to send you out, you gotta shave and look neat, and keep away from them dirty Frenchmen. We Americans are over here to learn them lousy bastards something.

A terrific tumult interrupted mfy mirth. Albeit completely dazed by the uncouth vocal fracas, I realized in some manner that these hostile forces were con- tending, not for the possession of the mattress, but merely for the privilege of presenting the mattress to myself. Before I could offer any advice on this delicate topic, a childish voice cried emphatically beside my ear : "Put the mat- tress here! What are you trying to do? There's no use des- troy-ing a mat-tress! The gnome immediately kneeled upon it and fell to carefully smoothing certain creases caused by the recent conflict, ex- claiming slowly syllable by syllable : "Mon Dieu.

Now, that's better, you musn't do things like that. The bear mean- while, looking as if nothing had happened, adjusted his ruf- fled costume with a satisfied air and calmly gazing into the distance began with singularly delicate fingers to stuff a stunted and ancient pipe with what appeared to be a mixture of wood and manure. I was still answering questions, when a gnarled voice sud- denly threatened, over our head: "Broom? Surveillant says. Not me, no? It was the silhouette. A vulturelike figure stood before me, a demoralised broom clenched in one claw or fist : it had lean legs cased in shabby trousers, muscular shoulders covered with a rough shirt open at the neck, knotted arms, and a coarse insane face crammed beneath the visor of a cap.

The face consisted of a rapid nose, droopy mustache, ferocious watery small eyes, a pugnaci- ous chin, and sunken cheeks hideously smiling. There was something in the ensemble at once brutal and ridiculous, vigor- ous and pathetic. Again I had not time to speak; for the hooligan in azure trousers hurled his butt at the bear's feet, exclaiming : "There's another for you Polak!

Then the red face bent within a few inches of my own, and for the first time I saw that it had recently been young — "I say I do your sweep for you" it translated pleasantly. I thanked it ; and the vulture, exclaiming : "Good. Not me. Surveil- lant. Harree does it for everybody. Hee, hee" — rushed off, fol- lowed by Harree and the tassel. Out of the corner of my eye I watched the tall, ludicrous, extraordinary, almost proud figure of the bear stoop with quiet dignity, the musical fingers dose 64 The Enormous Room With a singular delicacy upon the moist indescribable eighth- of-an-inch of tobacco.

I did not know that this was a Delectable Mountain. The clean-shaven man who appeared to have been com- pletely won over by his smoke , and the fluffy gnome, who had completed the arrangement of my paillasse, now entered into conversation with myself and B; the clean-shaven one seating himself in Harree's stead, the gnome declining on the ground that the bed was already sufficiently loaded to occupy the place left vacant by the tassel's exit, and leaning against the drab, sweating, poisonous wall. He managed, however, to call our attention to the shelf at B's head which he himself had constructed, and promised me a similar luxury toute de suite.

He was a Russian, and had a wife and gosse in Paris. The clean-shaven talked distinct and absolutely perfect English. His name was Fritz. He was a Norwegian, a stoker on a ship. He's crazy. They call him John the Baigneur. He used to be the bathman. Now he's Maitre de Chamhre. That's no kind of a job, everyone complaining and on top of you morning till night. That crazy Dutch- iman's been here for two years. They told him to get out and he wouldn't, he was too fond of the booze" I jumped at the slang '"and the girls. They took it away from John and give it to that little Ree-shar feller, that doctor.

Quoting Robbie Stamp: "All the substantive new ideas in the movie, Humma, the Point of View Gun and the "paddle slapping sequence" on Vogsphere are brand new Douglas ideas written especially for the movie by him. Hurling Frootmig is said to be the founder of the Hitchhiker's Guide, who "established its fundamental principles of honesty and idealism, and went bust. He is mentioned in the novel Life, the Universe and Everything.

It was Judiciary Pag's idea that the people of Krikkit be permanently sealed in a Slo-Time envelope, and the seal could only be broken by bringing a special Key to the Lock. When the rest of the universe had ended, the seal would be broken and Krikkit could continue a solitary existence in the universe. This judgement seemed to please everybody except the people of Krikkit themselves, but the only alternative was to face annihilation. They also share the initials Z.

Since the Beeblebrox family lives backwards in time, Pag despite living in the distant past is therefore one of Zaphod's descendants. He is played on radio by Rupert Degas , and appears in Fit the Fifteenth of the radio series. He is German with a Greek mother, and was handed the running of the club by his brother Stavro Mueller, who renamed Club Alpha with his own name. He appears in the novel Mostly Harmless , in the storyline regarding the final death of Agrajag. A dog belonging to advertiser Will Smithers which was so stupid that it was incapable of eating the right dog food on camera, even when engine oil was poured on the wrong food.

It was so named because its hair stuck upright on its head in a way that resembled Ronald Reagan. It also had an adverse reaction whenever someone said the word " commies ". Ford, Arthur, Trillian and Slartibartfast meet a group of murderous Krikkiters on the surface of their planet. Away from the influence of Hactar, they are troubled by their Elders wanting to destroy the Universe as they are keen to have sporting links with the rest of the Galaxy. They appear in the novel Life, the Universe and Everything and the Tertiary Phase of the radio series. They're described as being white, but that's nearly all the indication of their appearance in the book series, but the cover of the CD version of the Tertiary Phase features a drawing of the robots, one of them batting a Cricket ball.

On the image, they look rather like Marvin from the movie, only with longer legs, and smaller heads, including sunglasses-like eyes and antennae, like a play on their name. Kwaltz is one of the Vogons on Vogsphere , directing Jeltz's Vogon Constructor Fleet during the demolition of Earth and enforcing the galaxy's bureaucracy. He is the partner and advisor of vice-president Questular Rontok , who seems to care more about winning Zaphod's affections than retrieving the Heart of Gold.

Kwaltz also leads a team of a few hundred Vogons to capture the president's kidnapper in the penultimate scene of the movie, a chase which takes them to Magrathea , where they discover and capture Marvin the Paranoid Android not shown , then to Earth Mark II, where they shoot up Arthur Dent 's house, and are finally defeated by Marvin who gives them all a lethargic and depressed nature, at least for the moment, by use of the Point-of-view gun which, oddly enough, works on non-organic life forms.

Lady Cynthia Fitzmelton is described in the original radio script as "a sort of Margaret Thatcher , Penelope Keith character. She only appears in Fit the First of the radio series, where she was voiced by Jo Kendall. Her "very splendid and worthwhile" lines were entirely dropped from later versions. The Lajestic Vantrashell of Lob is a small man with a strange hat who guards God's Final Message to His Creation, and who sells Arthur and Fenchurch a ticket to it before passing them on a scooter and imploring them to "keep to the left".

Introduced by Prak in the epilogue to the novel Life, the Universe and Everything , he finally appears towards the end of the novel So Long, and Thanks for All the Fish when we also realize that he has been a regular visitor to Wonko The Sane, who describes angels with golden beards and green wings, Dr Scholl sandals, who eat nachos and do a lot of coke. He says that he runs a concession stand by the message and when Wonko says "I don't know what that means" he says "no, you don't". Lallafa was an ancient poet who lived in the forests of the Long Lands of Effa.

His home inspired him to write a poetic opus known as The Songs of the Long Land on pages made of dried habra leaves. His poems were discovered years after Lallafa's death, and news of them quickly spread. For centuries, the poems gave inspiration and illumination to many who would otherwise be much more unhappy, and for this they are usually considered around the Galaxy to be the greatest poetic works in existence.

This is remarkable because Lallafa wrote his poems without the aid of education or correction fluid. The latter fact attracted the attention of some correction fluid manufacturers from the Mancunian nebula. The manufacturers worked out that if they could get Lallafa to use their fluids in a variety of leafy colours in the course of his work, their companies would be as successful as the poems themselves.

They therefore traveled back in time and beat Lallafa until he went along with their plan. The plan succeeded and Lallafa became extremely rich, but spent so much time on chat shows that he never got around to actually writing The Songs. This was solved by each week, in the past, giving Lallafa a copy of his poems, from the present, and having him write his poems again for the first time, but on the condition that he make the odd mistake and use the correction fluid.

Some argued the poems were now worthless, and set out to stop this sort of thing with the Campaign for Real Time a play on Campaign for Real Ale , or CamTim, to keep the flow of history untampered by time travel. Slartibartfast is a member of CamTim. The necessity for this campaign is contradicted by other events in the novels. For example, when Arthur Dent and Ford Prefect landed on primitive Earth, they decided that nothing they could do would change history. And when Agrajag diverted him to a Cathedral of Doom to try to kill him, Arthur Dent's perpetual victim said that he'd try to kill Dent even if it were a logical impossibility, Dent not having ducked a bullet yet.

Lallafa appears in the novel Life, the Universe and Everything and Fit the Fifteenth of the radio series. A customizer of starships to the rich and famous time travellers, who first appeared in Fit the Fifth of the radio series, and later in the novel The Restaurant at the End of the Universe and episode 5 of the TV series.

Ford Prefect apparently believes that "the man has no shame. The fourth editor of the Guide, who never actually resigned from his job. He simply left one morning for lunch and never returned to his office, making all later holders of the position "Acting Editors. His desk sports a sign that reads "Missing, presumed fed. Lintilla is a rather unfortunate woman who has as of Fit the Eleventh of the radio series been cloned ,,, times due to an accident at a Brantisvogan escort agency.

While creating six clones of a wonderfully talented and attractive woman named Lintilla at the same time another machine was creating five hundred lonely business executives, in order to keep the laws of supply and demand operating profitably , the machine got stuck in a loop and malfunctioned in such a way that it got halfway through completing each new Lintilla before it had finished the previous one. This meant that it was for a very long while impossible to turn the machine off without committing murder, despite lawyers' best efforts to argue about what murder actually was, including trying to redefine it, repronounce it, and respell it in the hope that no one would notice.

Arthur Dent encounters three of her on the planet of Brontitall , and takes a liking to at least one of them. He kills one of three male anti-clones, all called Allitnil Lintilla backwards , sent by the cloning company to get her to "agree to cease to be" although the other two of her "consummate" this legal agreement with their respective anti-clones. When Arthur leaves Zaphod, Ford, and Zarniwoop stranded with the Ruler of the Universe and his cat at the conclusion of Fit the Twelfth of the radio series , he takes one of the Lintillas with him aboard the Heart of Gold.

All Lintillas were played by the same actress: Rula Lenska. Lintilla and her clones appeared only in the final three episodes of the second radio series. Rula Lenska did return to the fourth and fifth radio series — she was first an uncredited "Update Voice" for the Hitchhiker's Guide itself and then played the Voice of the Bird the new version of the Guide introduced in the novel Mostly Harmless.

Zaphod noted in the new series that the new Guide has the same voice as "those Lintilla chicks. Lintilla and her clones of which at the end there are now more than ,,, — " thousand million " do make a re-appearance of sorts on the Heart of Gold in an alternate ending to Fit the Twenty-Sixth of the radio series which can only be heard on CD. The name Lintilla was reused for an adult-oriented multiple worlds talker that opened in The scripts for the radio series make it clear that The Three Lintillas are "NOT an Italian High Wire Act, though I'm sure we don't actually need to mention this fact, only perhaps, well I don't know put it in anyway" script for Fit the Twelfth of the radio series.

The Lord is a cat, owned by The Ruler of the Universe. He might like fish and might like people singing songs to him, as the Ruler of the Universe isn't certain if people come to talk to him, or sing songs to his cat or even if the cat exists at all. A man who never married. Had he done so, and forgotten his wife's birthday for the second year, he would have globbered. Life, the Universe and Everything.

Lunkwill and Fook are the two programmers chosen to make the great question to Deep Thought on the day of the Great On-Turning. On radio, the characters are just called First computer programmer and Second computer programmer , and appear in Fit the Fourth of the radio series, and are played by Ray Hassett and Jeremy Browne respectively.

Appears wandering along a beach in the novel Life, the Universe and Everything , but no one needs him. Majikthise and Vroomfondel may or may not be philosophers. When the supercomputer Deep Thought is being programmed to determine the Answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe and Everything, they declare a demarcation dispute since the search for ultimate truth is the "inalienable prerogative of your professional working thinkers".

They insist on rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty, and demand Deep Thought be switched off immediately. They are disarmed when Deep Thought, already committed to its seven and a half million years' calculation, suggests that a great deal of money can be made by philosophers willing to exploit the expected media interest. It is later apparent that their distant descendants revere them as "the greatest and most truly interesting pundits the universe has ever known.

The characters were omitted from the movie The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. His feelings about the Universe outside of his onstage persona are unclear, but he has witnessed its end over five hundred times. His name is derived from a phenomenon during a rocket's ascent. On radio, Roy Hudd played him. On television, it was Colin Jeavons. He re-appears in the final episode of the radio series The Quintessential Phase , played by Roy Hudd again. Apparently, she declined, surprisingly for reasons of taste, to deliver her child on the air.

Murray Bost Henson is "a journalist from one of those papers with small pages and big print" as Arthur Dent puts it. He is a friend of Arthur's whom Arthur phones one day to find out how he can get in touch with Wonko the Sane , and uses incredibly odd idioms in conversation, including such phrases as "my old silver tureen", "my old elephant tusk" and "my old prosthetic limb" as terms of endearment and "the Great Golden Spike in the sky" referring to the death-place of old newspaper stories.

Played by Saeed Jaffrey in Fit the Twenty-Fourth of the radio series the old man on the poles on Hawalius , tells Arthur some old information wrapped up as news, and that everyone should have a beach house. The character appears in the novel Mostly Harmless. Old Thrashbarg first appears in the novel Mostly Harmless , as a sort of priest on Lamuella , the planet on which Arthur becomes the Sandwich-Maker. He worships "Bob" and is often ignored by his villagers. Whenever he is questioned about Almighty Bob he merely describes him as "ineffable. Someone who sneaked into his house while he was out having a swim found that " ineffable " was defined in the dictionary as "unknowable, indescribable, unutterable, not to be known or spoken about".

Played by Miriam Margolyes in Fit the Twenty-Fourth of the radio series, the smelly Old Woman in the Cave in the village of oracles on Hawalius provides Arthur Dent with bad olfactory stimulation and a photocopied story of her life, suggesting he live his life the opposite way so he won't end up living in a rancid cave. This occurs in the novel Mostly Harmless. Oolon Colluphid is the author of several books on religious and other philosophical topics. Colluphid's works include:. Colluphid is also shown as the author of the book The Origins of the Universe in the first part of the Destiny of the Daleks serial of Doctor Who.

The Doctor scoffs that he "got it wrong on the first line". The reference was inserted by Douglas Adams, who was at the time working as the show's script editor. Paul Neil Milne Johnstone of Redbridge , Essex, was the writer, according to Adams, of the worst poetry in the universe. He appeared under that name in the original radio series and the first printings of the novelization Pan Books, paperback, page At the school, Johnstone edited Broadsheet , "the Artsphere Magazine" that included mock reviews by Adams as well as Johnstone's own poetry.

Johnstone achieved moderate prominence in the poetry world as an editor and festival organiser, including the Cambridge Poetry Festival.

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After he requested the removal of his name and address, [25] Johnstone was replaced with "Paula Nancy Millstone Jennings of Greenbridge, Essex" a garbled form of his name. On the ORA vinyl record release, his name has been made indecipherable by cutting up that part of the mastertape and reassembling it in the wrong order. In the TV adaptation of the series, a portrait of Jennings was Adams in drag. The real Johnstone lived at Beehive Court in Redbridge. In the first novel, Phouchg and Loonquawl received Deep Thought's answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything on the day of the answer, seven and a half million years 75, generations after Deep Thought had been asked the question.

They were chosen at birth for this task.

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The name "Phouchg" may be a bastardization of the word Fuck , as his predecessor's name is Fook. Poodoo is a representative of the cloning company responsible for all the Lintilla clones. He arrives on Brontitall with Varntvar The Priest on a mission to 'revoke' the three Lintillas there by marrying them to their anti-clones, each of which is named Allitnil. The marriage certificates are actually legally binding forms that make the signers agree to terminate their existence, and the unctuous Poodoo may therefore be a lawyer of some sort.

After two of the newly married couples disappear in unsmoke, Arthur shoots the third Allitnil dead and, after tying up Poodoo and Varntvar, forces them to listen to a recording of Marvin's autobiography, so as he says, "It's all over for them. Poodoo only appears in Fit the Twelfth of the radio series, in which he is played by Ken Campbell. In the epilogue of the novel Life, the Universe and Everything , a journalist with the Siderial Daily Mentioner tells of Prak and then collapses into a coma.

Prak was a witness in a trial on Argabuthon where the Dwellers in the Forest were suing the Princes of the Plains and the Tribesmen of the Cold Hillsides. Prak was a messenger for Dwellers in the Forest sent to the other two parties to ask "the reason for this intolerable behaviour. The white robots of Krikkit broke into the court room to steal the Argabuthon Sceptre of Justice, as it was part of the Wikkit Gate Key. In so doing they may have jogged a surgeon's arm, while the surgeon was injecting Prak with truth serum , resulting in too high a dose.

When the trial resumed, Prak was instructed to tell "the Truth, the Whole Truth, and Nothing but the Truth," which he did, in its entirety. People at the scene had to flee or risk insanity as Prak told every single bit of the entire truth of the entire universe and all of its history, much of which they found ghastly. Prak recalled that many of the weird bits involved frogs or Arthur Dent. As a result, when Arthur Dent came to visit him in search of the truth, he nearly died laughing. He never did write down anything he discovered while telling the truth, first because he could not find a pencil and then because he could not be bothered.

He has therefore forgotten almost all of it, but did recall the address of God's Last Message to His Creation, which he gave to Arthur when the laughter subsided. He died afterwards, not having recovered from his laughing fit. On radio he appears in Fit the Eighteenth of the radio series and is voiced by Chris Langham , who had played Arthur Dent in the very first stage adaptation of the scripts of the first radio series, in Pralite monks are an order that undergo extreme mental training before taking their final vows to be locked in small metal boxes for the rest of their lives; consequently, the galaxy is full of ex-Pralite monks who leave the order just before taking their final vows.

Ford visited the ex-Pralite monks to Mind Surf and learned the techniques he used to charm animals on prehistoric Earth long enough for him to kill them for food and clothing. Fictional former president of the US who was publicly known to have had an affair with astrologer Gail Andrews in the novel Mostly Harmless. One of his Presidential orders was the bombing of Damascus or "Damascectomy" the taking out of Damascus , an issue Andrews denied that she counselled him on. At the time of the novel Mostly Harmless , Hudson had died for unknown reasons.

The seer who is showing Arthur the future news in order to demonstrate the sudden lack of need for future tellings quickly changes the channel. Arthur says that he knows her referring to Trillian and tells the seer to turn the channel back. The seer, thinking that Arthur was referring to the princess, replies "Look mate, if I had to stand here saying hello to everyone who came by who knew Princess Hooli, I'd need a new set of lungs!

Prosser is a nervous fat and shabby married year-old road builder who would like to build a bypass right through Arthur Dent's house. He is unaware that he is a direct but very distant descendant of Genghis Khan which causes him to have occasional visions of Mongol hordes and a preference for fur hats and axes above the door. He unfailingly addresses Arthur as "Mr Dent. After some negotiation with Ford Prefect or with Arthur Dent in the radio series , he is temporarily persuaded to halt the demolition.

This respite does not last because the Vogon demolish Earth. Prosser holds the distinction of having the very first line of dialogue ever in the Hitchhiker's Guide canon, as he is the first character not counting The Guide itself to speak in Fit the First of the radio series. On radio, he was played by Bill Wallis and appears in Fit the First of the radio series. On television, he appears in episode 1 of the TV series , played by Joe Melia. He is played by Steve Pemberton in the movie version. He appears in Fit the Twenty-Sixth of the radio series, despite not appearing in the novel Mostly Harmless , voiced by Bruce Hyman ; this Prosser exists on a parallel Earth where the cottage he wishes to demolish is the home of both Arthur Dent and Fenchurch.

When not shouting at or executing members of his own crew for insubordination, Jeltz enjoys torturing hitchhikers on board his ship by reading his poetry at them, then having them thrown out of an airlock into open space. Physically, Jeltz is described as being unpleasant to look at, even for other Vogons. Given that Ford Prefect describes Vogons as having "as much sex appeal as a road accident", one can only imagine how much worse Jeltz must appear.

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This may explain his disposition. Halfrunt had been acting on behalf of a consortium of psychiatrists and the Imperial Galactic Government in order to prevent the discovery of the Ultimate Question. When Halfrunt learns that Arthur Dent escaped the planet's destruction, Jeltz is dispatched to track him down and destroy him. Jeltz is unable to complete this task, due to the intervention of Zaphod Beeblebrox the Fourth , Zaphod's great-grandfather.

In the novel Mostly Harmless , Jeltz is once again responsible for the destruction of the Earth, this time presumably killing Arthur, Ford, Trillian , and Arthur's daughter, Random. It is also revealed that he has a son called Constant Mown and that his space ship is called the Business End.

Appears in:. In the first radio series, he was played by Bill Wallis. On television, it was Martin Benson. In the third, fourth and fifth radio series, he was played by Toby Longworth , although Longworth did not receive a credit for the role during the third series. In the film, he is voiced by Richard Griffiths. Prostetnic is a play on the word prosthetic in regard to special effects make-up. Adams was known to have a very low opinion of monsters describing them as "cod" meaning fake looking during his tenure as a Dr Who writer.

Questular Rontok is the Vice President of the Galaxy. This character did not appear in the radio or television series or any of the novels, being introduced in the film. Rontok is desperately in love with Zaphod Beeblebrox , the fugitive President of the Galaxy, and he knows it, as she unsuccessfully tries to hide it. Throughout the movie The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy , Questular alternately tries to arrest Zaphod for stealing the Heart of Gold even enlisting the help of the Vogons , protects his life when endangered by Vogon blaster fire , and at one point beseeches him to just give the stolen spaceship up.

Questular appears to be the "doer", performing all the real functions of the Presidency, whilst Zaphod enjoys his status as the figurehead President. After Trillian interrogates Zaphod by repeatedly zapping him with the Point-of-view gun and he learns that she is truly in love with Arthur Dent and not him, he and Questular end up together at the end of the film, Zaphod telling her "Let's trip the light fantastic , babe. She's skinny, and she's pretty, and she's lying! In the early drafts of the film the character was male, and therefore somewhat different.

In the movie, she is played by Anna Chancellor. In the novel So Long, and Thanks for All the Fish , Arthur Dent and Fenchurch attempt to get to know each other in an especially grim public house near Taunton railway station , their conversation is somewhat thwarted by a woman selling raffle tickets "for Anjie who's retiring".

The numbers on both the front and back of the cloakroom ticket prove highly relevant to the protagonist. Originally prophesied by her father, Arthur Dent, after he hears a Vogon for the first time "I wish I had a daughter so I could forbid her to marry one. The line is followed up in the novel Mostly Harmless and the radio series The Quintessential Phase , the radio series adaptation of this book.

The new Poe -reminiscent black bird version of the Guide manipulates her as it has the Grebulons and Ford Prefect , so she is indirectly responsible for the destruction of all possible Earths. Early in the novel Mostly Harmless , Arthur travels from planet to planet by donating to "DNA banks", finding that when he makes these deposits, he can travel first class. Trillian, wishing to have a child, finds some of his sperm in a DNA bank which was very easy, since he was the only donor of the same species and uses it to conceive Random.

Shortly before the events of the novel And Another Thing In her dream she is Galactic President and highly successful having been rescued from Earth by a suspiciously girlish troop of unicorns and marries a flaybooz a large, guinea-pig-like creature named Fertle to annoy her mother. When the Guide' s batteries run out, she is released from her dream with all the other main characters. The events of the book then occur. Strangely, she seems affected by her dream sequence and often laments the loss of her position and her 'husband'.

By the end of the book, Arthur proposes to go with her to find a good university for her to attend. Tricia interprets the message "Not happy," as meaning Gail Andrews wasn't happy with their interview. Appearing in the novel The Restaurant at the End of the Universe and Fit the Seventh of the radio series the large, pink-winged, insectoid receptionist in the Megadodo offices points Zaphod using a petulant tentacle towards Zarniwoop's office, the one with a whole electronic universe in it, and is also bugged by Marvin who just wants someone to talk to.

In the radio series The Quintessential Phase , he directs Zaphod towards Zarniwoop's new office, having put on the old hippy act. Reg Nullify leads the "Cataclysmic Combo" band at Milliways. The role was played by Graham de Wilde. Described by the scientific community in the novel So Long, and Thanks for All the Fish as a "Quasi Supernormal Incremental Precipitation Inducer," Rob McKenna is an ordinary lorry driver who can never get away from rain and he has a log-book showing that it has rained on him every day, anywhere that he has ever been, to prove it.

Arthur suggests that he could show the diary to someone, which Rob does, making the media deem him a 'Rain God' something which he actually is for the clouds want "to be near him, to love him, to cherish him and to water him". This windfall gives him a lucrative career, taking money from resorts and similar places in exchange for not going there. Rob McKenna is, in So Long, and Thanks for All the Fish , a "miserable bastard and he knew it because he'd had a lot of people point it out to him But McKenna is mentioned throughout the book, especially when he is hailed by the media as a "Rain God," though not in those terms.

In the radio show, however, he picks Arthur up instead of ignoring him, and meets him again later, after he acquired his fame. He then has a much more positive attitude towards Life, the Universe, and Everything, and is thrilled to meet Arthur again. He explains, as the narrator does in the book, that "Quasi Supernormal Incremental Precipitation Inducer" means, in layman's terms, a Rain God, but the media couldn't call him simply that, because it would suggest that the ordinary people knew something they didn't.

He appears in Fit the Nineteenth of the radio series, Fit the Twentieth of the radio series and Fit the Twenty-First of the radio series and is played by Bill Paterson , who also played one of the Arcturan Megafreighter crew in Fit the Seventh of the radio series. Rob McKenna is assumed to be English because that is where he is always driving round, trying to escape the elements, and where, thanks to the summer resorts who've heard of him, he will be confined until his death in the Quintissential Phase; but in the Quandary Phase, he has a Scottish-sounding voice.

Roosta is a hitchhiker and researcher for the Guide , whom Ford Prefect knows at least in passing and holds in some regard Ford describes him as "a frood who really knows where his towel is". He carries a special towel infused with nutrients, wheat germ , barbecue sauce , and antidepressants , which can be obtained by sucking on different areas. The last two of these, he explains, are for use when the taste of the first two sickens or depresses him. He saves Zaphod Beeblebrox from a horrible death in the offices of the Guide by taking him into the artificial universe in Zarniwoop's office , and is then kidnapped along with Zaphod and the left-hand tower of the Guide building by a squadron of Frogstar Fighters.

In the radio series, he serves no other purpose than to provide conversation and deliver the line "here Zaphod, suck this! However, in the books, he instructs Zaphod to leave the office through the window instead of the door after the building lands. In the novel The Restaurant at the End of the Universe , Roosta is a much more officious, standoffish and antagonistic character than he appears in the radio series. On radio, he was voiced by Alan Ford. The Ruler of the Universe is a man living in a small shack on a world that can only be reached with a key to an improbability field or use of an Infinite Improbability Drive.

He does not want to rule the universe and tries not to whenever possible, and therefore is by far the ideal candidate for the job. He has an odd, solipsistic view of reality: he lives alone with his cat, which he has named 'The Lord' even though he is not certain of its existence. He has a very dim view of the past, and he only believes in what he senses with his eyes and ears and doesn't seem too certain of that, either : anything else is hearsay , so when executive-types visit to ask him what he thinks about certain matters, such as wars and the like, he tells them how he feels without considering consequences.

As part of his refusal to accept that anything is true, or simply as another oddity, "He talked to his table for a week to see how it would react. In the radio adaptation of the novel Mostly Harmless , Ford also meets Zaphod in the accounting department of the new Guide offices. Zaphod describes being bored by a man in a shack and his cat for over a year. He was voiced on radio by Stephen Moore in the original Radio Times listing [28] he was announced as being played by Ron Hate — an anagram of "A.

Other" or possibly "No Earth" — because the show was so far behind schedule that the role had not been cast when the magazine went to print. Russell is Fenchurch's burly, blonde-moustached, blow-dried brother. Arthur and Russell take an instant dislike to each other.

Fenchurch also doesn't like Russell — he calls her "Fenny" which she dislikes intensely. He also tries to simplify her problems so he can explain and understand them better for example, he tells Arthur that Fenchurch believes herself to be a hedgehog. He first appeared in the novel So Long, and Thanks for All the Fish , and when this was adapted to radio appears in Fit the Nineteenth of the radio series, where he is played by Rupert Degas.

He is accompanied by two Officials from the Safety and Civil Reassurance Administration and an empty spacesuit, as they search for aorist rods and a Sirius Cybernetics Corporation Designer Person babbling gently about a shining city on a hill who it turns out has escaped to Earth. Adams wrote this segment specifically for Steafel's show, and Simon Jones appeared in character as Arthur Dent.

Steafel can be regarded as a canonical Hitchhiker's character. Shooty and Bang Bang are Blagulon galactic policemen. They pursue Zaphod Beeblebrox to the planet of Magrathea, whereupon they proceed to shoot at him.

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In the radio and television series this results in a hyperspatial field generator exploding and throwing Arthur Dent, Ford Prefect and Zaphod forwards in time to the Restaurant at the End of the Universe. In the books, Arthur, Ford and Zaphod are saved from certain death when Marvin talks to the cops' spaceship, which subsequently becomes so depressed it commits suicide, disabling the cops' life support units and rendering them unable to breathe as they were described as being "methane breathers.

Shooty writes novels in crayon , and Bang Bang agonizes for hours to his girlfriend about gratuitously shooting everything in sight. Shooty was played on radio by Jim Broadbent and on television by Matt Zimmerman.

Acronyms Finder and Glossary - ohyqukecew.cf

The characters are never named in dialogue or in the novels, but are named in the original radio series scripts. In their six starships, the Six Men are the only people who have, as far as anyone is aware, the key to the improbability field that locks away The Ruler of the Universe. Slartibartfast is a Magrathean , and a designer of planets. A sperm whale called suddenly and instantly into existence by the Heart of Gold ' s improbability drive , above the planet Magrathea alongside Agrajag as a bowl of petunias , in place of two thermonuclear missiles that were targeting the ship prior.

The whale has an existential life of discovery which lasts a minute before it hits the ground, leaving a large crater and whale remains. Stavro opens a second club in the novel Mostly Harmless called Club Beta, which is where Arthur Dent narrowly escapes death from a blaster shot by his daughter Random Dent and the shot hits Agrajag who proclaims that Arthur keeps killing him in Life, the Universe and Everything. We are told that he was a Greek with a German father and has handed Club Alpha over to his brother Karl Mueller so Stavro can open a new club in London.

In the radio series The Quintessential Phase Stavro is an only child. Appears in the novel The Restaurant at the End of the Universe. Thor , a figure from Norse mythology , appears at Milliways , and is mentioned in Fit the Fifth of the radio series, episode 5 of the TV series , and the novel The Restaurant at the End of the Universe. He next appears in the novel Life, the Universe and Everything , at a party, where he is chatting up Trillian.

Arthur tricks him into stepping out of the flying building by challenging him to a fight. In the radio adaptation of this he appears in Fit the Sixteenth of the radio series, where he is played by Dominic Hawksley. Hawksley reprises the role in the radio adaptation of the novel Mostly Harmless , the radio series The Quintessential Phase , despite not appearing in that book.

Two other characters from the Restaurant — Max Quordlepleen and Zarquon — also appear. Thor is a major character in the novel And Another Thing These tribesmen fought with in the epilogue of the novel Life, the Universe and Everything the Princes of the Plains in the land of the Dwellers in the Forest, to the detriment of the latter, for a really good reason, but Prak cannot remember why. Trin Tragula was a speculative philosopher who invented the Total Perspective Vortex basically in order to annoy his wife.

His wife thought he was an idiot who needed to "have some sense of proportion", exhorting her view frequently. When he attached his wife to the Total Perspective Vortex, the shock of seeing herself in relation to the rest of the universe instantly annihilated her brain. Although he was horrified by this, Trin Tragula found some satisfaction in discovering that the one thing that a person cannot afford to have in a universe this size is a sense of proportion. He has only four lines in the programme, accompanying Poodoo and the Allitnils in the conspiracy to destroy Lintilla 's clones.

Varntvar is eventually forced to listen to a tape of Marvin's autobiography. Veet Voojagig is described as "a quiet, young student at the University of Maximegalon", who initially studied ancient philology , transformational ethics and the Wave Harmonic Theory of Historical Perception. Then, after drinking some Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters with Zaphod Beeblebrox , he became obsessed with the problem of what happens to all the biros he'd bought over the years which had somehow disappeared. Voojagig claimed to have discovered the solution that they disappear to a world of their own, and claimed further to have worked on that world, working for a family of cheap green retractables.

The character was described as ending up in " tax exile " — and may have had a hand in "Zaphod Beeblebrox's highly profitable second-hand [pen] business. They just seem to get a little tired and a little grim In the novel Life, the Universe and Everything. Owner of a grey Porsche S which Rob McKenna has been blocking for 20 miles with a sticker that reads "My other car is also a Porsche", Will soaks Arthur Dent and fails to give him a lift when he is hitchhiking back on Earth at the beginning of the novel So Long, and Thanks for All the Fish.

He does not like saying the word "shoe", as he and the bird people consider it unspeakable. The Bird People live in the right ear of a fifteen-mile-high statue of Arthur Dent, constructed by their ancestors. The "wise old bird" is a phrase which features in the nursery rhyme A Wise Old Owl. He was voiced by John Le Mesurier who was originally intended to play the character of Slartibartfast. Werdle Sneng , in Fit the Eighth of the radio series, has a book out, Bath Sheets in Space which is found adorning contemporary hot beverage tables, as it is far too large for anyone's pocket, fashionable or otherwise.

John Watson aka Wonko the Sane lives in coastal California with his wife, Arcane Jill Watson, in a house called The Outside of the Asylum which features interior features on its outside and exterior on its inside. When Wonko saw instructions on how to use a toothpick on a packet of toothpicks , [33] he became convinced that the world had gone crazy and so built the house as an asylum for it, hence the reversal of the interior and exterior.

Arthur and Fenchurch pay Wonko a visit and learn that like both of them, he had also received a fishbowl from the dolphins having been a marine biologist and close to them. He also claims to have seen angels with golden beards, green wings and Dr Scholl sandals, who drive little scooters, do a lot of coke and are very wonderful about a whole range of things. In the radio series, he is played by Christian Slater. In contrast to most other immortals, Bowerick Wowbagger was not born one, but became immortal due to an accident with "an irrational particle accelerator, a liquid lunch, and a pair of rubber bands", an event which no-one has been able to replicate without ending up looking rather silly or dead or both.

Unlike other immortals, whom he calls "a load of serene bastards", he doesn't cope very well with his infinite life, having not been born into it and thus lacking the innate ability to handle it. Finding something to do on Sunday afternoons causes him particular difficulties. Eventually he comes up with a plan to keep himself busy: he will insult every single living being in the universe — in alphabetical order.

He appears in the novel Life, the Universe and Everything , while insulting Arthur Dent with the phrase, "You're a jerk, a complete arsehole" in the US changed to " Later, after Arthur escapes prehistoric Earth, Wowbagger shows up again in the present, but when he sees Arthur he says, "I've done you before, haven't I? Wowbagger makes a return in the novel And Another Thing Wowbagger is also present in " The Private Life of Genghis Khan ", [35] where he insults Genghis Khan , so that he "stormed into Europe in such a rage that he almost forgot to burn down Asia before he left.

In the new radio series, he is voiced by Toby Longworth. In the radio series The Quintessential Phase , he finally reaches the end of his quest by insulting the Great Prophet Zarquon , who revokes Wowbagger's immortality. Yooden Vranx is the late former President of the Galaxy, the direct predecessor to Zaphod Beeblebrox.

Just before his death, Yooden came to see Zaphod and presented his idea to steal the Heart of Gold. Following Yooden's suggestion, Zaphod locked out a section in each of his own brains so that no one could figure out why he ran for the presidency. Zaphod and Ford Prefect 's first encounter with Yooden occurred when they were children on Betelgeuse and Yooden was a ship's captain. Zaphod had bet Ford that he could raid a heavily fortified Arcturan megafreighter and took Ford along for the attempt, using a souped-up trijet scooter. They successfully boarded the ship captained by Yooden , stormed the bridge with toy pistols, and demanded conkers.

Yooden gave them conkers, food, booze, and various other items before teleporting them to the maximum-security wing of the Betelgeuse state prison. This was due to an "accident with a contraceptive and a time machine". The great-grandfather of Zaphod Beeblebrox , Zaphod Beeblebrox the Fourth is one of two active characters in books who are dead see also: Hotblack Desiato. Zaphod the Fourth berates his great-grandchild for being generally self-absorbed and learns of the ship's imminent destruction. He stops time so he can continue deriding Zaphod, who tries rather weakly to defend his life.

Zaphod the Fourth saves the ship and crew to keep his great-grandchild and his "modern friends" from joining him in the afterlife and thereby ruining the experience. When he learns that the ship had seized up to solve the dilemma of either making tea in the novel The Restaurant at the End of the Universe or figuring out why Arthur would want dried leaves in water Fit the Ninth of the radio series , he solves these problems before leaving by either leaving a pot of tea in the Nutri-Matic Drink Synthesizer or by explaining to Eddie that "he's an ignorant monkey who doesn't know better", respectively.

In the book Z. As a final note, Zaphod explains that his great-grandfather is "the Fourth" due to an accident with a contraceptive and a time machine. Zaphod the Fourth, therefore, bitterly refers to his great-grandson as "Zaphod Beeblebrox the Nothingth" Zaphod tries to counter this by referring to himself as "the First".

Zarniwoop works in the offices of the Guide, on Ursa Minor Beta. When Zaphod travels to Ursa Minor Beta to meet him, he is informed that Zarniwoop is unavailable and too cool to see him right now. He is in his office, but he's on an intergalactic cruise. Zaphod subsequently discovers that Zarniwoop's intergalactic cruise ship has spent years on Brontitall in Fit the Eleventh of the radio series , or Frogstar B in the novel The Restaurant at the End of the Universe , waiting for a complement of small lemon-soaked paper napkins, and every single passenger has aged considerably despite enforced hibernation.

Only one person, who was not a passenger, but who hid himself on the spaceship, has not aged — Zarniwoop. Zaphod subsequently learns that, before he sealed part of his own brain, he was collaborating with Zarniwoop to find out who rules the universe — this being Zarniwoop's obsession. At the end of the second radio series, he is similarly marooned, but this time by Arthur, with Ford Prefect and Zaphod Beeblebrox for company. In the Quintessential Phase radio series, Zarniwoop is revealed to be the same person as the novel Mostly Harmless character Vann Harl Zarniwoop is his first name , and a Vogon in disguise.

He has escaped being left on the desolate planet and is masterminding the Guide's new all-powerful format. His casting was accidental — he had been hired to play a different role The Ruler of the Universe , whose lines had apparently not been written in time.

The Zipf Mystery

He was happy to return for the final series, however, when a lot more was revealed about the character, much of it appropriately sinister, Pryce now having become well known for playing villains. Zarquon is a legendary prophet. He is worshipped by a small group visiting The Restaurant at the End of the Universe, and is old, bearded, robed, wreathed in light, has starry eyes and a crown of gold.

His name is frequently invoked as a curse, specifically a substitute for "God" or "fuck", such as "Holy Zarquon's singing fish" and "for Zark's sake" in the first meaning, and "you zarking frood" and "zarking fardwarks" meaning "fucking hell" in the second meaning. It is only on our visit to Milliways that Zarquon does indeed appear — his overdue second coming — moments before the Universe ends His last words are "How are we doing for time?

The host Max claims that he had done the show "over five hundred times" and "nothing like this had ever happened before". Zem is an affable, yet quite staggeringly stupid, swamp dwelling mattress. The pocket-sprung lifeform flollops, willomies and glurries around Sqornshellous Zeta and tries his best to cheer up Marvin the Paranoid Android , who became stranded on the planet after having one arm welded to his side and one leg replaced by a steel pillar. Because of his limited intellect he has the same conversation with Marvin every day until the android leaves.

After attempting to make conversation about the weather Marvin: "The dew has fallen with a particularly sickening thud this morning Zem is the sole witness to Marvin's abduction by the Krikkit war robots. Note: "Zem" is the name of all Sqornshellous Zeta mattresses; as Zem himself puts it, "Some of us are killed, [i. On radio, he is voiced by Andy Taylor. From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia. This article has multiple issues. Please help improve it or discuss these issues on the talk page. Learn how and when to remove these template messages. This article's tone or style may not reflect the encyclopedic tone used on Wikipedia.

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Please help rewrite it to explain the fiction more clearly and provide non-fictional perspective. See also: Hotblack Desiato. Burkiss Way, "Eric Von Contrick" sketch excerpt. For other uses, see Worst poet. Reg Nullify excerpt. Main article: Slartibartfast. UK on Screen. Archived from the original on 11 March Retrieved 5 May Archived from the original on 20 January Titan Books.